Monday, July 31, 2006

past the need of words

"What he knew, what he had discovered tonight, was that his recaptured love of existence had not been given back to him by the return of his desire for her-but that the desire had returned after he had regained his world, the love, the value and the sense of his world-and that the desire was not an answer to her body, but a celebration of himself and of his will to live.
He did not know it, he did not think of it, he was past the need of words, but in the moment when he felt the response of her body to his, he also felt the unadmitted knowledge that that which he had called her depravity was her highest virtue--this capacity of hers to feel the joy of being, as he felt it."

Tuesday, July 25, 2006


I saw this on Delirium's blog and thought it was a pretty clever idea. Feel free to make a guess. I'll highlight my own answers later in the week.

Pick one word from each pair that you think describes me the best from what you may have read so far on this blog and leave it in the comments...

*dominant or submissive
*logical or intuitive
*vanilla or rocky road (ice cream)
*social or loner
*vanilla or kinky (sex)
*cute or sophisticated
*glass half-full or glass half-empty
*kitten or puppy
*warm flannel sheets or sleek satin
*leader or follower
*quiet or talkative
*spontaneous or planned
*teddy bear or porcelain doll
*early-riser or night-owl
*hiking or window shopping
*Wall Street Journal or Entertainment Weekly
*tequila or vodka
*steak or sushi
*top or bottom
*bare foot or shoes
*jeans or slacks
*boxers or briefs (boxer briefs)
*tender or rough (can be either-depending on the situation)
*aware or dreamy
*small-town or big city (at heart--but I enjoy living in a big city)
*well-groomed or sexy
*nerd or jock
*Total or Cocoa Krispies (I have quite a sweet-tooth)
*brains or brawn
*common sense or book smarts
*Tory or Whig
*Atkins Diet or Pie-of-the-Month Club
*O-Negative or A/B-Positive
*tomato or tomato

Wednesday, July 12, 2006

one hundred percent.

"Knowing what you know now, would you change the past?"
Someone that I had been briefly involved with asked me that question recently. We had met when I was dealing with an ongoing personal setback and not looking to meet anyone new. But I had thought it was worth taking the chance to spend time with someone who captured my imagination.
It had also felt good to reach towards something positive again amid all the other uncertainty going on. I didn't realize until too late that she had felt (understandably) overwhelmed by my intensity.
Later I got in contact to let her know that I regretted making her feel uncomfortable. Towards the end of the discussion she raised the question at the top of this post.
I've thought about the broader nature of that question a lot since then.
Last weekend I received an email from an online personals service. They had ranked the profiles of twelve women with whom I shared a number of mutual interests. I had signed up for an ongoing subscription back in the fall, shortly before becoming laid off. I had exchanged some emails with a few people initially, but soon put my time and energy towards finding a new job and pretty much forgot about my account there.
Usually I would just delete the scheduled weekly emails as soon as they came in, but this time my eye was drawn towards a single photograph right away. It took a second or two before I even realized whose picture it actually was.
It seemed that the computer had calculated that we were a 78% match. I read her profile and recognized again the things that had attracted me towards her in the first place.
I spent a moment thinking if things might have gone another way if we had met now, under better circumstances. I know that back then I was much further away from 22% of the person who appears in my profile today.
I've come to understand that ultimately it wasn't just the timing of when we met that affected the course that things took. My response towards her was based on something deeper as well.
I don't mean to be overly analytical, and I know that there are many people who have faced much greater hardships than myself, but the fact is that I've experienced a number of losses in my life so far with the death of a spouse and both parents.
In the past when I would see a situation that might potentially lead to something really worthwhile, my first impulse was to immediately pursue it sooner rather than later. Most likely because I had experienced first-hand how quickly time can be cut short.
I get it now that while I can't change the fact that those events have already occurred, I can control how I let them shape my behavior in the present. It's my responsibility to keep things in the proper perspective, with more open communication with the other person to avoid a possible misunderstanding.
The percentage of how two people might potentially match up with each other is arbitrary. The only figure that really counts is how close I can come towards matching my own fullest potential, and to make a continued effort to always keep that number in sight.
I realized that I would not have reached that understanding today if I had not gone through that experience with that person back when I did.
So, knowing what I know now,
I wouldn't change the past.
But, knowing what I know now,
I can change the future.